Yep, I enjoy the fact that I was diagnosed with stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. It’s completely normal and expected for anyone that reads this to be confused by that statement. But honestly, it has brought a lot of clarity to my life.
I’m no longer confused as to who cares about me and who doesn’t. It was shocking to see how few people actually want to associate with me. But thinking back on how I’ve lived a very busy life (I worked from 5am to 10pm at times) working six days per week every week, I understand. Occasionally, I would work every day out of the week. So as you can imagine, it was very hard to reach out to anyone. I didn’t even have time for social media. So in reflection, that is partially my fault. Even though I did my best to contact people when I was on vacation or anything like that, it wasn’t enough to keep people invested in caring about what’s going on in my life. I was also a very awkward kid, so that doesn’t help. I will say that I am very thankful and appreciative to everyone that donated to my Gofundme page and other methods of donations. They helped me pay for some medical expenses.
It’s actually not a bad thing that people cut me out because now I don’t have to feel guilty about not reaching out to others. The ones that did contact me, some of them surprised me in a good way, really showed me that they aren’t the type of people to make a grudge or cut me out after a little while of not talking. The ones that did get bent out of shape could have easily reached out to me because I’m not the type of person to ignore a message or phone call unless someone is being really inappropriate or something along those lines.
Don’t get me wrong, it did hurt to feel that disconnect with those people, but I respect their space and haven’t reached out to chat since.
Another thing that is great about this whole situation is that I have time to think and plan what my next move will be. I literally had no time to think or plan or set anything new into motion because of how much I was doing already. Long story short, I was working at 5am for copywriting, then I would go and train clients at 7am, then I would massage clients at a chiropractor’s office from 9-2pm, then I would train some more at 3, then I would massage at a boutique from 4-10pm. In between those times I would do more copywriting projects and I was attending night-school to get into physical therapy school on top of that. Busy was an understatement. But now I feel as though I can think and relax for the first time in almost 6 years. I was able to pay off a lot of bills during that time period, but I still have more unfortunately.
The perk that also comes with time to think is that a lot of realizations have happened. I know more about myself than before because I’m not always focusing on other people’s problems. I’m also not afraid to speak my mind about anything anymore. That doesn’t mean that I always feel the urge to say something, but that is also speaking my mind in a different way. A good friend of mine actually showed me this great skill of holding my tongue because if he doesn’t have anything good or productive to say with criticism, he never says anything. It is only positive or informative and I’ve been adopting that way of thinking during this time. It’s an amazing way to think because it takes off my inner self’s desire to try and fix everything. When in reality, most things don’t need my input. So now I focus on what I actually want to put my energy into.
Another positive thing about cancer is that it has raised my desire to travel and experience the world. Going to Coachella, Europe, Asia, down the street to that random food place, or attending an event is something that I actually want to do now. I thought that I hated interacting with others on a large scale, such as big crowds, because I just hated people. In reality, I don’t hate people because I actually like people and love people. The things that I don’t like or love are negative actions or emotions. And since I’m an empath (an empath is someone that feels the energy or feelings of others) I can feel the people around me.
As you can imagine, this can be very overwhelming; especially as a child. This made me act on people’s feelings or ideas and solidify their belief in the type of person that I am rather than letting them actually meet me. It wasn’t until recently that I felt like I was acting on my own actions rather than on the feelings or thoughts of others. This is a liberating experience! Understanding this about myself also gave me the confidence to be true to myself and not worry about hurting someone else’s feelings. I hated doing that because I would feel it too! But now that I understand more about my empathetic psyche, I can decipher if I should ignore a certain feeling since it isn’t mine to begin with.
This has allowed me to start learning about things that I actually want to learn about. So I’ve been learning about car parts and how to tune one up, I’ve started learning about different road and mountain bikes, certain clothing items and boots have caught my attention, and I’m seeing what I want to do with my business rather than constantly flinching at what might not be perfect or might have some bad emotions of some sort. It doesn’t matter anymore because my business will thrive when I listen to what I want. The producer is who decides if we want something anyway. If you don’t believe that, did you come up with the iPhone or did they tell you that you wanted it?
Now it’s obvious that there are many negative aspects to cancer. It does suck when I wake up and it feels like my tongue is on fire or like someone has made slits underneath my tongue with a scalpel. It was also annoying when I would be shaking to get out of bed because of how much of a struggle it was to support my own body weight. Everything tasting like plaque isn’t fun when it happens either and my joints feeling like they’re being pulled by their tendons isn’t great. There are more side-effects, but those are the ones that pop up the most. It also sucks that I could literally die by a child sneezing on me because my immune system is so weak. So basically I’m on house arrest with allowed visits to the doctor’s office and the store. I’ll do pull-ups in the park and then rush home immediately afterwards because when I did stay out a little too long one time, I felt feverish and sick and couldn’t move for the rest of the day. I was still tired the next couple of days as well. Simply from being outside and around people.
None of this troubles me anymore because I focus on finding the positives in any situation. I hate the whole “stay positive” mentality because it’s pretty stupid. There is no reason to stay positive about any situation that isn’t positive. Instead, I find the positive so that I don’t have to act like I’m ok or happy; I know that I am. Acting like everything’s fine is probably what gave me cancer. It was complete denial about the situations I was dealing with and I was allowing life to take advantage of me as I watched everyone else making their life positive instead of doing what I was doing; staying positive.
How I found and continue to find my positives are by looking at what I have and seeing what my options are to make things better. So what does that mean? Marijuana! This amazing lady has always been there when I go through any pain or nausea. It also just feels good. The strain that helps me the most is Sativa. Hybrids are cool and so are Indicas, but I always feel the best when I use a Sativa. Very happy that I was diagnosed in California rather than in Kansas.
Exercise is another positive thing for me because it not only keeps my strength up, but it helps me regulate my appetite. I was weighing in at 166lbs at the beginning of this experience (lost 10lbs in 2 days before going to the hospital) but I’m now up to 194lbs. I benefit greatly from my experience in the health and wellness industry as a trainer/educator and also a massage therapist. I understand how to make every exercise movement as precise as possible and I understand how to stretch to trigger the repair cycle. There are different methods of movement and stretching that are more effective than others if you were wondering. So for anyone that says it’s genetics, you’re wrong. I have chemicals in my body that are killing everything inside of me, so there is no upper-hand for me right now. And with these odds against me, I successfully do more than double the amount of repetitions than I did at the beginning of the month.
(To be honest, I could only do about 2 push-ups. But still progress!)
The two previous paragraphs were really the game-changers for me during this time. I now have full energy every day and I feel alert. The other positives simply came from me wanting to understand myself and it has been beautiful. I know that I’m not a complete dick because I’m never really bashing anyone when I’m called a dick but am simply stating my opinion or a fact. Don’t ask me anything if you aren’t willing to handle every possible answer, especially the truth. But all in all, I’m grateful that I got cancer. These life lessons would have never happened without it.
Photo by Marcelo Leal