A poem by Anwar YaDullah and Kari Putnam

Curiosity, a wink uttered through words
That never conveyed what great truth would be found
A truth between two
Has bloomed a gold hue
A glorious gold gilded in the warmth of caring and love
Causing a rhythm we dance to all day and night
Full of laughter and smiles skipping and whirling
Around our caresses that turn into kisses
Such sweet affection your kisses of confection
Have every intention of keeping retention
With such revelry and romance; my leaving there’s no chance
And staying with you keeps my feelings from through
Arm in arm and hand in hand
Feeling your presence is oh so grand
A joy I carry deep in my heart
Healing the soul from what was once some shards
Strong and well step by step I fell
Twirling in comfort until it’s a shell
The strength of love welds us together
Encasing a trust we feel ever better
A trust I’ve never had with another
A peace I’ve never felt with another
With comfort you rest in my heart
It’s the best way for a day to start
And a night to end
Without any end


Not hiding

A comment was left since you still take my breath without giving a sign that would cause me to wine to drown out all the whines that were always in chime from the chaos of searching for all that is you.

The thrill of the chase is what some said we crave yet the truth of the moments we share to this day still have us ever laughing and feeling the rays from warmest of glows that bellow from our growth inside our lovely gut that hath twined with no rut since hiccup has not come from this love that we love.

Grateful sounds wasteful but I cannot show or express all the breath that you stole from this wretch, so all I can say, or just write for your taste, is that I feel blessed that you warm me with love.

Whoever will know how we feel and we glow is no longer a fear, ’cause you are my dear.

I kinda miss having sex part 2

Thixus stares blankly at the concrete beneath him with his gun on his lap.  Chatter from every volunteer soldier next to him is caught by everything but his ears.  His eyes slowly drift up to look over the beaten wall in front of him to see any potential threats.  He squints his eyes to adjust to the distant sand ahead of him to distinguish what the blurs approaching them are.  When he regains control over his vision, he sees the green blurs turn into the familiar sights of Greemen.  His lips curl into his teeth as his neck’s skin sucks in between his muscles.  As he clinks his rings together on his left hand, he clinches his gun and feels his body begin to tremble.  One of the soldiers next to him asks, “Whoa, you alright Thixus?”

No response comes from Thixus as he points his gun at the Greemen and opens fire with his rumbling growl signaling the others to do the same.  Everyone begins shouting and shooting at the Greemen to see their orange blood spraying on the sand beneath them.  The Greemen charge as fast as a cheetah until the ones that were missed by bullets ram into the wall.  Everyone shooting shakes for a little bit before they point their guns down at the threats.  The Greemen are plucked off one by one until they hear their guns click.  Three Greemen continue to give their wall expanding cracks as they frantically try and reload their guns.  Thixus feels his emotions throw his gun to the ground and hurl his body over the wall.  The soldier that asked how he was yells, “No!” as he sees Thixus plummeting towards a Greeman.

As he’s in fall, he takes out his knife and yells as he shoves the blade into the top of the Greeman’s head and uses his momentum to yank it to the ground.  He dodges the kick of the Greeman to his left as he takes his knife out of the one he killed and sweeps his foot towards the Greeman’s ankle while in a crouched position.  The Greeman feels itself caught off balance, so it’s back falls into Thixus’ knife.  Thixus yanks up the blade to watch it slice a crevice of orange pain squirting from the right side of its spine into its medulla.  The blade is twisted to see the Greeman spaz with death, so Thixus drops the threat to the ground.  The remaining Greeman growls and pounds its fists on the ground while staring its blazing eyes at Thixus.  Thixus smiles and drops his knife on the ground before he strokes the air with his palm facing upward as he says, “Bring it on you fucking piece of shit.”

The Greeman bulges its muscles as it roars at Thixus.  It charges through the sand and causes a torrent of dust to jump with every step.  As its screaming furry approaches close enough for Thixus to make out the evaporating texture of this beast’s green infection, a shot is heard above them.  The Greeman’s skull sucks into the forced hole in its chin as its body slides over to Thixus.  He stares at the lifeless beast for a moment before he picks up his knife and calmly climbs up the cracks of the wall to rejoin the soldiers on guard.  After he swings his body over the wall, he grabs his weapon silently, loads another fresh clip and continues to stare at the ground.

Everyone stares at him with their eyes taking over their face as much as their gaping mouths.  One of them says, “You could’ve gotten yourself killed.”

Thixus replies, “I wouldn’t be so lucky.”

“What happened to you to make you like this?”

“I lost everyone I love.”

“Did you have a wife?”


“I’m sorry man.”

“It’s okay.  I just kinda miss having sex.”

“Why don’t you have sex with someone else?”

He’s slapped in the back of his head by the person next to him instantly.  Thixus stands up and walks away as he says to the one in command, “I’m relieving myself for the rest of the day.”  The person nods and steps aside for Thixus to exit.

He puts his gun on the back of his motorcycle and rides into the city they were protecting.  The little shacks of people rebuilding their lives whiz by him as children play in their front lawns.  The trees bend from the pain of war but are still blossoming flowers for the upcoming season.  He sees a child not paying attention to the road run after his friend that tagged him.  Thixus reads what could happen, so his adrenaline jumps in his skull as he grips his left hand and feels his bike standing on the front tire to a halt.  The child’s frozen in the middle of the street with his mouth reaching for the ground.  Thixus’ bike rests its back tire on the ground again, so Thixus puts down his kickstand and gets off of his bike.  He rips off his helmet as he yells, “Watch where the hell you’re going kid!  Don’t you realize you could’ve been killed?!”  His yelling grabs the attention of the neighbors around them.

The little boy remains frozen, so Thixus yells, “Dammit!  Don’t you understand how important your life is!  Where the hell are your parents?!”

The boy’s mother runs out and hugs her boy as she says to him, “Are you okay Bobby?  Oh my Gosh!”  She hugs his head and then looks at Thixus.  She says sternly, “And you have no right to yell at my boy like that!”

Thixus straightens up his back as he looks death into her eyes.  He says, “Then you have no right being a mother if you don’t watch out for your children.”

“How dare you!”

“How dare I!  Your fucking kid was almost killed because you take his life for granted and expect him to just be okay when we aren’t in an okay world!  Do you really think that life is like it was or that it’ll ever go back to how it was?  No!  So why the fuck are you still being a bad parent when that gift isn’t a present for everyone?!”

She blinks rapidly before she stammers out, “That still gives you no right to yell at my son!”

“Shut the fuck up you stupid bitch and learn how to be a parent!  Or say goodbye to little Bobby someday.”  Thixus gets back on his motorcycle while saying, “fucking dumbass…” as she’s yelling something at him and drives off without acknowledging her.

He ends up back at his apartment and lies down on his grey couch after he turns on the oven to heat up.  He then turns on the television to watch the news show where he used to live in ruins with helicopters circling around town.  A news caster’s voice says, “The relief team continues to search for any survivors from this devastating war that America’s still repairing from.  Sources say that the war is finally over and all that people are doing is fighting off the remaining infected people from the biological disease they are referring to as ‘Greemen’ on the streets.”  He takes a long pause before continuing with, “I’ve just received word that our President is addressing the situation.  We’re now going live with his message.”  The images on the television cut to the President in a bunker with a suit on.

The president says, “After too many deaths to tally yet, I and the rest of my team would like to apologize to the victims of this incident and their loved ones.  An attack as devastating as this will never be forgotten and we are making sure that we take the necessary actions to continue defending ourselves so that we never have to deal with this again.  We have eliminated the terrorists that attacked us and now we’re making a treaty between us and the country.  My heart goes out to everyone that was involved in this battle, and I send everyone my blessings that was involved.  God bless you all and I wish you all a safe week ahead.”

The television cuts back to the wreckage, so the news caster says, “And my heart goes out to everyone that was involved as well.  We’ll continue to show the relief team all day every day until we feel there are no more bodies to be found.  At night, we’ll show the faces of the loved ones that were found and are no longer with us.  This is Chance Brockman from channel 9 news saying good night and tune in at seven for the list of the deceased.”

Thixus looks at his watch and sees that it’s 6:15pm.  He picks himself off of the couch and walks past the black coffee table to enter the kitchen to his left.  He opens the fridge to see the chicken he was thawing and takes it out to bake it.  He places the chicken into a nonstick pan and puts it in the oven without any seasoning.  He sets a timer after putting it into the oven and then plops himself face down on his couch again.  He flips around and looks at his fingers clink the rings together on his left hand until he passes out.

The beeping of the timer wakes him up, so he takes out the chicken and turns off the oven before his fire alarm goes off.  He sits back down with the food steaming in front of him as he turns on the television.  The first page of faces are plastered on the screen to see the smiles they used to own.  His eyes dart around to see if Lauren’s face pops up.  Page after page of people continue to fade in as the speakers remain silent.  In the middle of his searching, he hears his door being knocked on.  He looks to the door and then back at the screen without getting up.  The knocking is more insistent the second time, so he grunts and unlocks the door.

He peaks his head through the partially opened door and asks, “What do you want?”

An officer asks, “Are you Thixus?”

“Who’s asking?”

“I am sir.  We need you at base immediately.”


“Sir, there’s no time, please come with me.”

Thixus rolls his eyes as he closes the door.  He sits back on the couch and continues searching for Lauren.  The door opens, so Thixus grabs the gun under his coffee table and points it straight at the officer’s head.  The officer throws up his arms and says, “Sir, I’m not here to hurt you.  I was just advised to come and grab you.  And if I do not return to them then more people will come and it will not be pretty.”

They remain in a stand still with Thixus’ head cocked with questions.  The gun bobs up and down with his arms before he lowers them to his side.  He puts back on his shoes and leaves with the officer.  He doesn’t say a word to the officer the whole time they’re driving as he continues to look at his rings clink together.  They arrive at the main base and Thixus is escorted inside.  They place him in an open room with only a bench as his company.  A man enters the room with a manila folder and takes a seat on the bench.  He asks, “Could you join me Thixus?” as he holds his hand towards the open seat next to him.

Thixus replies, “I’m already in the room with you.  So what do you want?”

“Alright.  Well I was wondering a little bit about your past.”


“Like your wife.”

Thixus’ face loses emotion as he asks, “What about her?”

“Have you moved on?”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“I’m sorry.  Have you found another lover?”



Thixus’ jaw moves side to side slowly before he says, “Next question.”

“Could you please answer the question?”

“Because no one else is her.  Next question.”

“What would you do if you saw her again?”

“Was her body found?”

“Could you answer my question?”

Thixus says sternly, “Was her body found?”

The man looks down and bites his bottom lip as he nods his head.  He then looks back at Thixus before he leaves the room without saying anything else.  Thixus yells, “Was her fucking body found?!”  He shakes his head and then sits on the bench to look at his rings clink again.  He hears the door open but he refuses to look over as he asks, “So did you come back to answer my fucking question you pri-” but shock takes him back as he sees the usual smile from those glistening golden eyes in Lauren’s head.

He slowly stands up with his eyes trying to focus on reality as she says, “Hi.”

He scans her body and sees that she has the arm he was holding before he took off her ring.  He throws his arms around her and squeezes her head into his chest as his eyes scream for joy with tears kissing his scrunched cheeks.  He says, “Oh my god… oh my god…” as they swivel in each other’s arms.

She calmly says, “I missed you too.”

He pulls her away to stare in her eyes as he rubs on the scar on her cheek to ask, “But what happened?  I mean I was holding your arm for crying out loud!”  They both laugh as he brings her back to his chest and holds her tightly.

She kisses his arm and relaxes his hold as she says, “Well… shortly after that building fell apart and a rogue piece of glass chopped off my arm, a rock hit my head and I was knocked out.  I woke up to the sound of a helicopter and they took me away and put my arm back on.  Still hurts and is very tender, but I don’t need all of the poles that they had in my arm before for stability.  Then I asked what base you were at and they knew exactly who you were.  Turns out you were kind of on a death wish without me huh?”

He kisses her lips before he says, “Because I’m dead without you.”

“You always had a way with words.  But did you miss me?”

They both laugh as Thixus says, “Well, I kinda miss having sex.”

Grins reflect from their faces as she says, “Such a gentleman.  But… I think I know how we can fix that.”

“What do you have in mind?”  Their lips come together again to remember what the life they had together tastes like.

She thinks for a moment and then says, “What does your new place look like?”

“It’s a dump, but we can always relocate.”

“Why don’t we go back home when everything is cleared up?”

“You don’t want to stay in the west?”

“It’s not like home.  I’d like to start a family there.”

“I couldn’t agree more… But wait, what about the baby?  Is the little one alright?”  He places his left hand on her stomach.

Lauren’s face drops as a subtle sigh escapes her mouth.  She shakes her head as she grabs his hand and says, “Let’s just say, at least we can make a baby how we want to now.  And… I’d rather have a child made in better conditions, honestly.”

Thixus nods as he says, “Sounds like a plan.  So for now, we enjoy the simple life of an apartment.”

“Sounds amazing.”

Thixus takes her ring off of his pinky and places it on her ring finger again.  Their eyes lock together before their lips remind them of home.

The End

The Trigger day 30

Sabrina turns on the television and sits down on the sofa with a cup of coffee in her hand.  She takes a sip and then wiggles back to wedge herself in.  Her eyes are locked on the screen as a woman who’s reporting the news says, “As well as three soldiers were killed on their way back home by a terrorist that secretly boarded their plane.  One of these soldiers was the famed Jimmy Jack,” a picture is shown of everyone who was killed as she continues with, “who was the soldier we all witnessed save the lives of two of his fellow marines from being publicly beheaded.  Sources say that the other two soldiers with him, Privates Tagger and Locke as well as their leader, General Freedmen, all fought with the terrorist and ended up killing him as well.  But by the time they had landed, they were no longer with us because of excessive bleeding.  We are now live with a soldier who knew and respected Colonel Jack as well as all of his fallen brothers.”  The television cuts to a press conference of a commander wearing his blues, so everyone watching sees him say, “It’s an absolute tragedy that something so terrible can happen to men like this.  General Freedmen and Privates Tagger and Locke were all good soldiers.  And as for Colonel Jack, there will never be another soldier quite like him.  He was the most courageous, tactical as well as the most family oriented soldier that I’ve ever had the pleasure of serving with.  My condolences go out to the family and friends of all of these men.  May they forever rest in peace.”  The television cuts back to the woman reporting, so she says, “Security on military planes is now doubled for any possible chances of a counter-attack.  When we tried to inquire more of the situation, we were stopped because of military protocol.  But on a personal note, I just would like to say rest in peace Colonel Jimmy Jack because you moved millions of Americans with your selfless acts of bravery.  My heart goes out to the widow and his loved ones.”  The television cuts to the newscasters at their desks, so the man on the right says, “And my heart goes out to them as well.  In other news-”  Sabrina shuts off the television and takes a deep breath.

She sets down her coffee and looks over to Shylah who’s sitting next to her to say, “It looks like we lost him my dear.”  Shylah stops bathing her stretched out furry legs and stares Sabrina in her eyes.  Sabrina continues with, “Now we just have this stranger in the room next to us.”  Shylah licks her lips and then continues bathing like nothing matters.

I chuckle as I say, “Thanks for the concern Shylah.  But they couldn’t have given me more of a racist name than Jaquon Albertson.”

Sabrina says, “Sweetie, no offense, but you used to have two first names.  White ones at that.”

“You just always have to be the smart one don’t you?”  I start to tickle her so I can see those usual legs of love kick with excitement.

She says with joy suspending her smile, “Hey, hey!  Stop it!  You could hurt the baby.”  She rubs on her stomach that shows life is growing soundly.

I place my hand on her stomach and say, “You know I would never want to do that.”  I bend over and kiss her stomach with a slight wince in pain from my wound.  I sigh as I come back up and stare into those oceanic eyes to lose myself like the addict I am.  We bring our lips together and taste the love that we both longed for.  After we hold our mouths together until the long exhale of relief exits our nostrils, I pull back to say, “Thank God I was able to come back to you Sabrina.  You have no idea how much I wanted to see and be with you again.”

She pecks me again and says, “The same goes for me.  I just wish they didn’t stab you in the stomach like they did.”  She touches my fresh bandage concealing my stitches.

I wince and take her hand off as I say, “Easy, it’s still fresh.”

“Oh don’t be such a baby.  I’m a nurse remember?”

“Yeah but you know how much I hate the hospital and I don’t want to risk the stitches coming out.  Just like you don’t want to risk the baby getting hurt by me tickling you.”

“Eh okay.  But why did they have to stab you before they knocked you out with that shot in your neck?  I mean who the hell is in charge?  I don’t want any more holes in you.”

I chuckle as I say, “Babe, there’s no reason to ask those questions because we’ll never get an answer.  We should just be thankful that we’re together again.  The chances of that were slim enough, so I’ll take a little scar on my stomach to remind me of how I was able to get out of the military indefinitely.”

“I guess you’re right.  And the pension that they’re giving us is very nice.”

“Yeah thank God, because this whole aspiring writer quest was going to make money tighter than clinched butt cheeks.”

She slaps me with a grin on her face and says, “Weirdo… but that’s very true.  And we do need to be able to take care of our little boy.”

“But I told you I had a dream of a little girl.”

“Well… usually the mother, me, has a dream that tells what the sex of the child will be.  I dreamed of a boy, so that’s that.”

I kiss her before I say, “Well I’ll be happy with whatever we get.”

“Even if it’s an Asian?”

As we’re laughing I say, “If it’s an Asian I’m enlisting under my new name.”

“Well then safe travels Mr. Albertson.”

“Why thank you Mrs. Albertson… you cheating whore.”  She slaps my leg and I hug her tighter than before.  We remain cuddled for a moment of silence until we bring our lips back together to enjoy every mixture of ourselves that we can.  The future looks bright for us, and I’m going to do everything that I can to please her for the rest of my life.

She asks me, “So can you tell me about what happened these last thirty days?”

“Well… it all started when I was dreaming of you.”


Two days later, he received a call from a literary agent that works in New York. One week after that call, his book series he was working on got a seven figure signing bonus and his books sold more than he could’ve ever imagined; and he was very happy when he was able to finish the series without outside writers doing anything more than editing his grammatical errors. He and his wife no longer have to work unless they choose to for many generations to come. Struggles and strife are a distant memory that continue to remind them of how thankful they are; everyday.

The End

The Trigger day 28

I see the usual golden fingers on the wall as I lie in a tomb of awaiting defeat.  The last two pieces of paper are calling for me to confess more love for my wife, yet my slow weighted breaths show my reluctance to write.  My eyes search around the cell for anything to break, but nothing I could break would help my desires to live.  So logistics takes my heavy carcass and places me in front of a piece of paper.  The pen dances between my fingers for a moment before I write;

Dear Sabrina,

I feel as though I’m just rambling right now because I just want to actually have a real conversation with you.  It feels as though I’m trapped on the battlefield no matter where I go because I’m always fighting to come back to you.  Yet this fight is going to come to an end apparently.  So I just want to basically apologize for putting you through all of the hell we went through together.  Like when I had the bright idea of introducing you to my mom and she wanted to greet you by putting her cigarette out on you.  It’s a good thing you have quick reflexes; and I apologize for that again and we never talked to her after that, so no worries.  But she was right when she said that you would ruin me, because after you showed me what love really is, I could never be the same again.  So thank you Sabrina.

I also want to apologize for being so distant on our first dates.  Like when we went to the amusement park and I got on the ride when there was only one seat left and said that I’ll see you at the bottom; looking back on that one shows that I was one smooth operator.  Just kept you coming back to your chocolaty fix.  Even when we were at that restaurant and you caught me checking out the waitress, you forgave me.  Yes we were only seeing each other for five days at that point, but it was still wrong to be looking at other people as openly as I did.  But you locked my eyes onto you when you showed me your personality.  And just the little things that you do make me enraged about this situation, but I’m thankful I was able to experience your life.

Whenever you sneeze, the cutest little wrinkles form on your nose right before you squeak like a mouse.  And I loved how it always came in pairs of two.  I also loved how when you were sleeping, I could have a full conversation with you and you would never remember them ever happening.  So thanks for telling me what to get you every year for your birthday.  And sorry that I cheated on how to get you the perfect present, I just wanted to make you happy as much as I could.  It was like the thought of you and the smell of your peaches and cream perfume would turn on my half of our soul and realize that I could only be complete as long as your part of our soul was happy.  At least now I’ll be able to watch over you much better than before.

And every time I saw the child within you scream and flail your arms and do a little happy dance when you were excited, I could barely keep myself from laughing.  It’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.  I loved how you would always get so excited for birthdays and the holidays because it was an excuse to dress up and be with family.  Thank you for taking me around your family and letting me see the welcoming smiles and sharing so many laughs with your father.  And after being around your mother and seeing how she cooks and is always pleasant, I knew exactly who you got your personality from.  I’m still a little annoyed by your little brother kicking me in the balls when he first saw me, but he was only ten at the time so I should let it go.  I did want to hit the little prick; but at least you got a good laugh out of it and I guess I deserved it for being a jerk in the beginning.  I am really going to miss the outfits you would wear on Halloween as well.  I never knew that a cat or a princess or a nurse could look so sexy.

But I feel as though this pen is writing everything itself because I really don’t know what to write anymore.  The only thing that I want to really do is rip up all of these letters and go through the inferno of trying to reach you.  Although, if I was that selfish then that would hurt the one person that’s worth protecting on this planet.  Just please, feel for me whenever you feel lonely and I’ll be sure to warm your spirits with my company.  You may not be able to see me, but know that I’m there.  I will always be there for you.  They said til death do us part at our wedding, but even death won’t keep me away from you.  The only heaven that I know is when I’m with you, so there’s no reason to go anywhere that you are not present.  You are the gift from God that I really want so there isn’t any need to keep on searching for anything else.  You know that I’m a man of special tastes, so it’s assuring to know that you cover every flavor that I desire.  Just another taste of love would give my starving soul the satisfaction it craves by the second.  Just know that I love you more than anything and I won’t miss you when I’m gone because I will always be with you in some way.  Always.


My neck rolls around as I wiggle my jaw until my emotions grab my body.  I grunt out “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” as I continually stab my mattress.  I hear Ramos jump down from the bunk and he grabs me to holds onto me from behind.  I keep on grunting as I tremble with my eyes welling with sadness.  I reach out one last time to stab the mattress, but Ramos grips me tighter and holds onto me.

He says, “I know… I know…”

As air jumps from my mouth with mucus, I slowly descend to my knees.  I fold my arms and rest my head on the mattress as I continue to cry.  I ask, “Why the fuck does this have to happen?  What did I do to deserve the life that was given to me to just be taken away like this?…  Fuck!”

Ramos sighs before he says, “I don’t know.  All I do know is that this will all be over tomorrow.  So come on.  I know it’s hard, but you gotta keep your composure until it’s over.  Okay?”  I sniffle and clinch the mattress in response.  He says, “Come on, it’s time to eat.”

“I don’t want to fucking eat…”

“You have to.  So come on.”

I take in a couple more deep breaths before I rapidly blink away my emotions and wipe my face clean.  I say, “Sorry for being so transparent for a second there.”

Ramos chuckles and says, “No worries.  Now come on.”

We make our way to the cafeteria, but my mind still finds itself in our cell.  So throughout the day, my face remains blank and my eyes look into nothing towards the ground.


I still get the vision
of love that was not
replaying the instance
of when she was spot.

No matter the bad
that came from that time
I still am so glad
those moments were mine.

Admit, that I must,
there’s love in this gut
for what we once were
til splitting was sure.

But logic is strong
so I don’t steer wrong
and relive the wreck
I cannot forget.

The Dodged Bullet

As my eyes indulge on sights,
that grunt and quench their face in lift
at such a place where swole is mate
and sculpting bodies is the drug
to all the junkies for the pain
in hopes they will enjoy the gain
that defines what they wish to show
in every picture souls can know;
a bullet that once pierced my heart
had shown it’s cocked and still so sharp
with all the strength that shot me once
and left me crying like a dunce
since I had never been the one
to study school in arts of love.
And when the soul inside those eyes
that set the spark to my demise
had shown that spark was straight to hell
’cause we were never what was well
I took a beating for the scar
to show that we weren’t crossed by star
so I could tell the sign of hell
to leave and stray to where I’m well.
Much thanks in great I give to you
who showed me what we were was through
for I could never think to do
the lowest hit a blow can move.
Farewell to fake and on with new
so I can show just how to prove
what love should be to anyone
that walks this Earth and feels the sun.


Every time I look forward
I see what I want on a string,
being hoisted by nothing I see,
but it’s everything I greed.

Everything else around is a blur
as my vision is motioned forward
to keep on ogling what’s pure
from the standards set by my eyes.

All the yelling and the screams
that tell me I’m consumed by dreams,
because they never will become real,
is not what my heart feels.

Instead, the flavor of maybe
that’s coated with the seasoning of desire,
heats within my mental oven
until perfection hoards all of my energy.

Just one more day
or maybe a little more action
is all I hear to push me
towards more satisfaction.

Don’t go into the light,
is what many cowards have said,
but I will go into that fright;
it’s better than regretting when I’m dead.

The Trigger day 21

My eyes are growing tired of staring at the bottom of this metal bunk bed.  I figure I’ve been looking at this sight for over an hour now.  So I turn my body to see that a fresh sheet of paper is waiting for me to write on it.  A sigh comes from me as I shake my head with bittersweet delight.  I look up to hear Ramos still subtly snoring, so he must be faking, or he put the paper there when I was sleeping.

I roll out of bed and then sit on the ground with the paper in front of me.  After biting my bottom lip and tapping the pen on the ground for a little bit, I write;

Dear Sabrina,

You have no idea how much I miss the present of your presence.  Your aura and the essence that makes me submit my desires for your happiness is all that I ever wanted to live for.  I never cared about doing some career for my whole life or trying to just make a lot of money to live a crazy adventurous life; I only cared about, and still care about, how I only wish to make a beautiful family with you.  Seeing whose eyes the child takes and which personality vibrates from that little body would be such a joy.  I would love to be able to watch our little girl become the perfect little student or the best athlete or whatever she may want to be.  Also, if we had a little boy, I would love to see what he chooses to do and I would want to be able to either help support him or let him know that’s not a good idea by strategically guiding him to a new dream.  I never want our children to become strippers or anything like that.  Nothing against those people, I just know that it takes a psychological toll on someone.

But enough of that, I’ll make personal letters to our possible daughter or son.  Although I will tell you that I had a dream of us having a little girl.  She was more beautiful than that fall sunset we saw in the Midwest when we were stationed in Colorado.  Her personality was obviously stemmed from you because she knew how to get what she wanted, no matter what we were doing at the time.  I understand after writing that, you probably have no idea what I even mean.  Well the quick version of that dream is that she was bouncing on my knee before we wanted to get intimate, so you sent her to play in her room.  Then, right before the great entry of love, she came running back out and wanted to go to the park.  You compromised with her and I enjoyed every moment of that dream.  So no matter what, know that I’ll always be with you in some way.

I truly believe that we’ll always be together in some way because I do believe that we really are soul mates.  No matter what obstacles came to me in the past, I only thought of you.  And I saw when Oscar, that two timing bastard who said he was my friend, tried to flirt with you but you slapped him when he touched you.  You have no idea how happy that made me.  But what made me the happiest, is how when he didn’t stop after you slapped him, you called me and said to pick you up from your friend’s birthday party.  I was already going to surprise you with my appearance, so you ended up giving me the surprise when I think about it.  Thank you my dear.

But I do have to admit.  The reason that I spoke about that memory is because I know that you are and will always be a very attractive woman.  Even though you will be a widow, well are by the time you read this, and a single mother, I want you to know that I understand if you still wish for the companionship of another person.  Maybe he’ll be able to spend time with you the way that you wished of me so often and he may even be able to take you on all of the vacations that I couldn’t.  You deserve the best, and since I couldn’t give it to you, please feel free to do as you wish.  Your happiness is my only goal, so even if another man is what will keep that smile on your face, then please, please, get that man.  I only want you to be happy, especially because of the hell that I put you through.  You deserve the heaven that’s been waiting for you.  All that was holding you back was my existence apparently.  So my Sabrina, the one woman that actually made me comfortable with the word love again, make sure that you always do whatever it takes to keep yourself happy.  I’ll be watching from afar, but know that I’m only watching with a smile.  I love you my dear and I’ll be writing some letters for if we have a boy or a girl.  Girls and boys need to learn different things, so I’ll do my best to teach in their letters that I normally would’ve had eighteen years to do.  But normal is nothing we ever had was it.  So long until the next letter, my love.


I put the pen down and stuff my face into my knees.  Tears begin to kiss my cheeks as I rock back and forth trying to understand comfort again.  Ramos rustles above me until I can feel him looking at the top of my head.  He says, “Hard to write those letters isn’t it?”

I sigh, “Yeah.”

“Well you’re much more of an emotional man than the last guy.  He wrote two letters and then started to fight anyone that looked at him wrong until… well you know.”

“That doesn’t sound like something I’d do.”

“I know.  Which is why I feel sorry for you kid.  I wish there was a way to change the ending to this scenario, but we’ve lived in the real world long enough to know that fairy tales only happen in books.  They forget to leave out how the prince got tired of the princess’s nagging and put her back in the tower he found her in for the next sap.”

I chuckle as I ask, “What?”

“Just trying to make you laugh.”

“Well good job.”

“Thanks.  Are you gonna join me for breakfast?”

“Kind of have to right?”

“Got that right.  So come on.  I’ve seen how you can shut yourself off from the world, so just do it until the end.  But stay conscious for your letters.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Come on, let’s eat.”  He jumps down from his bunk and helps me up from the ground to drift through the day.  Because today, all that I did was eat and sleep.

Every day

Every day,
My peace of mind itches for the burn of my addiction,
that can only be cured with my submission.

Every day,
I continue searching for the way to hear my soul,
while searching for the Creator of my essence.

Every day,
Passions will guide me to keep on writing,
until every word is created with love.

Every day,
Eagerness lifts me to turn on the light,
where creative thinking is sent on dendrite.

Every day,
I hear it repeat,
every day
every day
every day
Like a trigger that’s unable to shut off.

Create something,
explore something,
Learn how to feel,
Feel how to know,
Know how to think,
Think how to live,
Live full of love,
Love how to find,
Find how to write,
Write every day,
every day,
every day.

For every day,
writing shows that it’s the only place
where I am truly free.