The Trigger day 23

Contrary to popular belief, solitary confinement isn’t that bad.  Well, at least for a person like me that’s used to being stuck with my thoughts for long periods of time.  Although staring at darkness with the single ray of light coming from the slot that they put my food and messages through can get old.  And that subtle sound of something crawling around me is a little disheartening; but after war, this is nothing.

As I’m sitting on the ground with nothing but my thoughts, being put in timeout like a child, I hear something slide into my cell.  I look over to the beam of light and feel my eyes taking over my face.  The yellow box with familiar lettering is sitting there, waiting for me to touch it.  Underneath the box it looks like there are some papers, but my curiosity is too impatient to just think anymore.  So I crawl over and see the letters “N-U-T-T-Y-B-A-R-S” shine in the light.  I then see that Ramos and the guys found out that I’m going to be in here for four days.  So I will thank them when I get our of here for the four pieces of paper.  But for now, I want to taste my secret crack.

I slide my pointer finger slowly around the glued flaps of the box to free this caged princess without letting anyone know what I have in here.  The flap is slowly pulled back as I see the shiny plastic flicker in the light.  I pull out one of the packs containing two Nutty Bars, then I gently set down the box and put all of my focus on these two delights in my hands.  The plastic is pulled apart where the flap is, so I unveil one of the Nutty Bars as I keep the other one safe within the plastic.  The first bite is always the most important entry to this experience of home, so I carefully let my teeth lock onto an inch of the chocolate and peanut butter wafer.  I turn my wrist up as my head tilts down for a perfect first bite.  I sigh out, “Ugh… God yes…” as I let the flavors mix with my tongue.  I chew it up and swallow before I let my greed turn it soggy; I don’t want to destroy this experience.  I then peel apart the wafers and eat them one by one until the rest of the wafer is within me.  The second wafer gets the same treatment, and a smile is what remains with the wrapper.

After I rub my stomach, I lick my fingers to make sure I don’t get any chocolate anywhere other than my mouth.  I grab one of the pieces of paper and sit quietly as I think of what to write.  The images of my dream daughter keep on popping into my mind, so I figure I should write this first one to her.  After some tapping on the ground, I write;

To my little princess,

What a joy it would be to see all of your beauty in person.  I know that your mother must have picked a name that’s perfect for you; I just wish that I could let you know that I see you and that I’m always going to be watching out for you my dear.  You may only know me through pictures or videos or through what your mother has told you about me; but all I can tell you is that I have a very dangerous job that has me out for a little while.  I just wanted to write you a couple of letters to let you know that I love you more than you know.  It may be hard to understand that right now, but I’m sure that your mother will fill you in properly; she’s very good at that.

And it may be hard to accept that a man that you’ve never met actually loves you in an unconditional way, but sweetie, having you was something that your mother and I had dreamed about for many many years.  So I know that you came out even more perfect than we both could have imagined.  Just make sure that you always present yourself as a lady and never sell yourself short for anything less than great.  And know that your emotions and your happiness is more important than any amount of money in the world.  It may seem like life is easier when you have a lot of money; and honestly it really is, unless you’re unhappy.  So when you are dating and you are around other boys, be sure to look out for key components in his personality.

Certain traits like, what do other people say about him, how do his friends act, how does he act with them versus when he’s alone, what kinds of goals does he have in life, what is his religious background because that can really affect someone’s personality and their outlook on life, are his parents still married, if they aren’t then try and find out why because certain personality traits in the ancestors are inherited by the child just like their physical appearance, and see if you can be comfortable just talking about anything with this person.  I only ended up with your mother because she matched my desires perfectly.  Do not compromise when it comes to initially getting in a relationship with your perfect person because it will only end badly.  Or you’ll have to keep on compromising your whole life.  And of course, make sure he’s attractive.  Don’t make yourself suffer, there’s nothing wrong with standards.  And no matter how much I would want you to stay a virgin until you find the right man and I could analyze him with the help of your mother, I know that’s not going to be the scenario.  Especially since you came from your mother and me.  She’ll explain what I mean when you’re talking about the reproductive nature of human beings with her.  I’ll just say we’re a very sexual family.  Not all families admit that to their kids and it ends up making them feel guilty or doing things that could have been avoided.

Also sweetie, I want you to know that you come from a very strong family.  Not just mentally strong but physically strong as well.  I was a star athlete when I was in school and your mother was a collegiate athlete in soccer and then she decided to play volleyball for fun in her off season.  So know that you have many opportunities for you in either sports or your studies.  You will also have creative abilities because I was an aspiring writer and your mother is a very talented writer, photographer and artist.  She still amazes me every day.  So I’m not worried about you having any type of handicap with your abilities because I believe you will succeed in everything that you put your mind to.  Just never do anything halfway.  If you’re going to commit to something, then fully commit.  I would rather you be the best grocery store clerk than an unemployed genius.  But I’m not worried about that being your fate because your mother doesn’t allow excuses.  Trust me.  Although you probably already figured that out the hard way.

I’ll write more in the next letter for you my dear.  Until that letter, stay as beautiful as you are.  And never ever let a magazine tell you that someone else is better or prettier than you, because that’s not true.  And that doesn’t mean that you can look down on other people because of that.  Just know that you are worth more than the average person while understanding that everything you receive is a gift.

I love you,
Your Dad, Jimmy

I put the pen away and figure another nutty bar and a nap is a great plan for the rest of the day.


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