My eyes are growing tired of staring at the bottom of this metal bunk bed. I figure I’ve been looking at this sight for over an hour now. So I turn my body to see that a fresh sheet of paper is waiting for me to write on it. A sigh comes from me as I shake my head with bittersweet delight. I look up to hear Ramos still subtly snoring, so he must be faking, or he put the paper there when I was sleeping.
I roll out of bed and then sit on the ground with the paper in front of me. After biting my bottom lip and tapping the pen on the ground for a little bit, I write;
You have no idea how much I miss the present of your presence. Your aura and the essence that makes me submit my desires for your happiness is all that I ever wanted to live for. I never cared about doing some career for my whole life or trying to just make a lot of money to live a crazy adventurous life; I only cared about, and still care about, how I only wish to make a beautiful family with you. Seeing whose eyes the child takes and which personality vibrates from that little body would be such a joy. I would love to be able to watch our little girl become the perfect little student or the best athlete or whatever she may want to be. Also, if we had a little boy, I would love to see what he chooses to do and I would want to be able to either help support him or let him know that’s not a good idea by strategically guiding him to a new dream. I never want our children to become strippers or anything like that. Nothing against those people, I just know that it takes a psychological toll on someone.
But enough of that, I’ll make personal letters to our possible daughter or son. Although I will tell you that I had a dream of us having a little girl. She was more beautiful than that fall sunset we saw in the Midwest when we were stationed in Colorado. Her personality was obviously stemmed from you because she knew how to get what she wanted, no matter what we were doing at the time. I understand after writing that, you probably have no idea what I even mean. Well the quick version of that dream is that she was bouncing on my knee before we wanted to get intimate, so you sent her to play in her room. Then, right before the great entry of love, she came running back out and wanted to go to the park. You compromised with her and I enjoyed every moment of that dream. So no matter what, know that I’ll always be with you in some way.
I truly believe that we’ll always be together in some way because I do believe that we really are soul mates. No matter what obstacles came to me in the past, I only thought of you. And I saw when Oscar, that two timing bastard who said he was my friend, tried to flirt with you but you slapped him when he touched you. You have no idea how happy that made me. But what made me the happiest, is how when he didn’t stop after you slapped him, you called me and said to pick you up from your friend’s birthday party. I was already going to surprise you with my appearance, so you ended up giving me the surprise when I think about it. Thank you my dear.
But I do have to admit. The reason that I spoke about that memory is because I know that you are and will always be a very attractive woman. Even though you will be a widow, well are by the time you read this, and a single mother, I want you to know that I understand if you still wish for the companionship of another person. Maybe he’ll be able to spend time with you the way that you wished of me so often and he may even be able to take you on all of the vacations that I couldn’t. You deserve the best, and since I couldn’t give it to you, please feel free to do as you wish. Your happiness is my only goal, so even if another man is what will keep that smile on your face, then please, please, get that man. I only want you to be happy, especially because of the hell that I put you through. You deserve the heaven that’s been waiting for you. All that was holding you back was my existence apparently. So my Sabrina, the one woman that actually made me comfortable with the word love again, make sure that you always do whatever it takes to keep yourself happy. I’ll be watching from afar, but know that I’m only watching with a smile. I love you my dear and I’ll be writing some letters for if we have a boy or a girl. Girls and boys need to learn different things, so I’ll do my best to teach in their letters that I normally would’ve had eighteen years to do. But normal is nothing we ever had was it. So long until the next letter, my love.
I put the pen down and stuff my face into my knees. Tears begin to kiss my cheeks as I rock back and forth trying to understand comfort again. Ramos rustles above me until I can feel him looking at the top of my head. He says, “Hard to write those letters isn’t it?”
I sigh, “Yeah.”
“Well you’re much more of an emotional man than the last guy. He wrote two letters and then started to fight anyone that looked at him wrong until… well you know.”
“That doesn’t sound like something I’d do.”
“I know. Which is why I feel sorry for you kid. I wish there was a way to change the ending to this scenario, but we’ve lived in the real world long enough to know that fairy tales only happen in books. They forget to leave out how the prince got tired of the princess’s nagging and put her back in the tower he found her in for the next sap.”
I chuckle as I ask, “What?”
“Just trying to make you laugh.”
“Well good job.”
“Thanks. Are you gonna join me for breakfast?”
“Kind of have to right?”
“Got that right. So come on. I’ve seen how you can shut yourself off from the world, so just do it until the end. But stay conscious for your letters.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“Come on, let’s eat.” He jumps down from his bunk and helps me up from the ground to drift through the day. Because today, all that I did was eat and sleep.